Musing in the Moonlight

Last night I supervised the final session at the gymnastics center then stayed on to do some paperwork.

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Pete, who is effectively my ‘boss’ there, is doing “earlies” as usual, and so I had agreed to stay on alone to sort out new coaching schedules. Not only have Ethan, Jack and Zach disappeared from the schedules (circus tour) but Romanian Ion and Russian Igor, who have been helping evenings after working daytimes on placement at the nuclear lab in Oak Ridge, have now done their ‘year’ there and they’re about to return home. And, since Dave and I want massive time away during the summer, we are going to have to clock up an enormous number of hours ahead of that, relieving others who will then cover the school vacation period. Thankfully, all of the coaching team are very adaptable, and the Romanian owners are happy to do more themselves during the summer because they have had a long period of sitting back and watching it happen for them!

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When I finally turned out the lights and locked up, it was around midnight. Dave, lucky man, was not on duty and had been amusing himself in Chad’s private gym, almost certainly wrestling the usual suspects, but was by then probably in bed already as we are normally ‘early-morning people’. The parkway back to Oak Ridge was petty much deserted, the sky was cloudless and the moon was full, bathing the landscape in a most beautiful light. The sort of evening that makes you think how lucky you are to be alive.

So many people these days seem to have unhappy lives – witness the Indian gay guys I wrote about last time. And here am I, a happy gay guy with the best partner in the world waiting for me in bed, doing a job I love (jobs plural, really, if you count our occasional public performances), and (rarer thing) a gay guy with a family I love too, built around my boy Leo and his lesbian mum. A welcoming home, now masterminded by that mum and her partner, and another home in UK which Dave and I actually own. Parents who came to terms with my gayness (after a struggle, admittedly – it was grandparents who figured me out before they did, and perhaps before I figured myself out), a wide circle of friends which includes a special ‘coven’ of nine other gays (including all the ones I mentioned already) with whom we can share our love when it seems right… yeah, I found my brain buzzing “life is good”, and realised that I was driving ever more slowly through the empty moonlit landscape: maybe I just wanted this great feeling to last as long as possible…

Everyone needs to make time just to sit and think…

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…think about how lucky you are, even when some things might seem bad. And, yes, and you can do it while driving (at least when the roads are nearly empty!).

I got to thinking about what the future might hold, and the agonising Dave and I went through a few months ago about whether to quit the States altogether and go home to UK… but that would have meant leaving Leo behind and seeing him only rarely. Our astonishing success in manipulating the house sale from Dave’s dad into Karen and Clare’s hands, with the rest of us staying put and Leo and Jaymee becoming permanent instead of part-time residents, still amazes me.  So we have a secure base as long as we want, but could go if we wanted. ‘Result!’

Our lifestyle demands that we keep in shape and, since we would have been deeply into fitness routines anyway, that could hardly be better…

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…now that guy’s a fine example, and looking good means feeling good. We can get on the mats whenever we want… and Leo with his mate Chris already made the middle-school wrestle squad so there’s plenty of training for him, too. He learns collegiate style in school, of course…

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…but ‘nhb’ submission style with us, which probably annoys his coach when he forgets what he is not allowed to do in collegiate! In addition to modest free weights he gets to use the machines, too… although young starters like this next guy must be carefully supervised to ensure that they do not overload their developing bodies…

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And not forgetting he’s turning into an acrobatic star… wait, I’m drifting off topic here into a ‘Leo love-in’. But you have to be proud of your kid, don’t you…

No, this was a ‘life is good’ post as an antidote to some of the bad stuff that’s going on around the world. Good (and love) always win through in the end, as this modest trio of writings tells:

Loving the Boy: ISBN 978-1-907732-30-0

The Power of Love: ISBN 978-1-907732-41-6

Against All Odds: ISBN 978-1-908645-35-7

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So, alone in the car on the deserted Parkway in the moonlight, I realised that I was grinning to myself. I even started singing, which is a sound like fifty out-of-tune cats that you never want to hear… and then, suddenly, I started feeling guilty. What right did I have to be happy when there are so many unhappy people out there? I’ve often focussed on the plight of suppressed and persecuted gays, but that’s only the tip of the iceberg… Syria, Ukraine, kidnapped girls in Nigeria, terrible mining disaster in Turkey… if there is a God up there, He’s messed up really well. Kind of confirms my ‘belief’ that belief in God is at least misplaced, if not plain daft. And here am I, driving around in the depths of the Bible Belt, proclaiming my lack of faith… at least, to myself. We’re still fighting the teaching of creationism in local schools here (“universe formed in seven days in 4004BC”), whilst we sit on top of rocks which we know are more than 700 million years old… science is ‘evidence-based’ and therefore to be believed, as my dad drummed into me (he’s a physicist!

Well, the road was so quiet and my brain by then was confused and whirling, and I almost ran a red light coming into the city. Guilt for feeling happy, on account of other people’s troubles, people who are not so lucky. But not a lot you can do about that in rural Tennessee at near one in the morning.

whisper-500x666-225x300Dave sorted me out, damned quick! That’s one of the things that made us know how much we were destined for each other. He’s been troubled a darn sight more often than I have but, whichever one of us has been troubled, the other partner has always somehow found the right things to whisper in the other’s ear…

‘Enjoy what you have, and help others whenever you can.’

Good advice, Dave.

Shall we enjoy a few more ‘fit guy’ pictures?

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So there we are. You can’t fix the world at 1am in moonlit Tennessee. But you can silently remember those in trouble whilst being thankful for what you have yourself. And that’s about as far as it can go.

And so to bed, with my beloved partner.

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About tonycavanagh

Born Northampton UK; school Oxford UK and Oak Ridge Tennessee, where I met my wonderful partner Dave, also from UK. Oak Ridge is our main training base for acrobatics and circus stuff, but we also established a base in Wales (UK) to serve us when we are working in Europe. Our 'story', of finding gay love, learning the acrobatics trade and then of how we got shot at during our show (and worse was to follow - just to prove that the risks of being an acrobat are not always the most obvious ones!) are now available in my three books 'Loving the Boy', 'The Power of Love' and 'Against All Odds'. Links available on most blog posts. Actually, waiting for the imminent arrival of the first printed copies was far scarier than anything we do in performance. A fourth book - not about us but exploring the sadness of a gay Native American boy denied his true identity - is currently with an agent for evaluation. watch for 'Let The Future Find Me' in due time. And now to book five... another boy, another quest... seems its always boys...
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One Response to Musing in the Moonlight

  1. Pingback: Another Late Night: The Darker Side… | Tony Cavanagh

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