Remember Kadian


Down to Earth with a bump. There I am, banging on about how proud I am of my son in my last post… then the very next day, in my e-version of The London Times, I find a review of the book ‘Kadian Journal’, written by his grieving father. Kadian, at age 14, was riding a bike (which had just had the brakes checked in a local bike shop) on the Berkshire Downs, not far from where my parents live in UK. On a steep downward slope, both brakes failed and, desperately trying to stop, he shot across the main road at the bottom out of control, straight into the path of a van. In front of his father, he was killed instantly.

kadian 1

I cannot begin to imagine how it must feel to lose a son of whom you are so immensely proud. I can tell you, it made me think very hard. How fortunate I am. How I suddenly want to put my arms around my boy and keep him from harm. Always.

Kadian’s father, like me, is also an author, but this book, ‘Kadian Journal, A Father’s Story’, must have been hellish to write. At the same time, perhaps a way of dealing with the grieving process. The reviewer describes the book as ‘A memoir, a threnody, and a love song.’ I am ordering it to be delivered to our Welsh address, and I know there are going to be some tears when I read it over the next few weeks whilst we are there.

kadian%20journalI know I’m always rabbiting on trying to get you guys to buy my books. Not this time. I want you to go and get this book, by Thomas Harding, published by Heinemann at £16.99 in the UK, but available at £13.99 by calling (UK) 0845 271 2134 (The Times Book Shop’). e-book is also available at £8.49. I don’t have prices for US, but it will undoubtedly be available there soon and in other countries too.


You can see the rest of this article, and abridgement of part of the Kadian Journal, HERE.

If you are fortunate enough to have kids, love them and treasure every moment. Each moment could be your last…

When this book arrives, I am going to share it with Leo. A lesson for him, always to be careful and to think of his own safety. A lesson for all of us on how Kadian’s family dealt with his death… Thomas Harding writes: “I am still in the well, but I am climbing now. The walls are wet and slippery, I scrape my knees and elbows on the sharp craggy edges, but I am climbing. I know which way I am going. Up.”

RIP Kadian. You seem to have lived your life to the full, and you deserved better than this.


About tonycavanagh

Born Northampton UK; school Oxford UK and Oak Ridge Tennessee, where I met my wonderful partner Dave, also from UK. Oak Ridge is our main training base for acrobatics and circus stuff, but we also established a base in Wales (UK) to serve us when we are working in Europe. Our 'story', of finding gay love, learning the acrobatics trade and then of how we got shot at during our show (and worse was to follow - just to prove that the risks of being an acrobat are not always the most obvious ones!) are now available in my three books 'Loving the Boy', 'The Power of Love' and 'Against All Odds'. Links available on most blog posts. Actually, waiting for the imminent arrival of the first printed copies was far scarier than anything we do in performance. A fourth book - not about us but exploring the sadness of a gay Native American boy denied his true identity - is currently with an agent for evaluation. watch for 'Let The Future Find Me' in due time. And now to book five... another boy, another quest... seems its always boys...
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3 Responses to Remember Kadian

  1. ian williams says:

    I will buy it, but it will have to be on ebook as there is no more room on the shelves for a hardback. Tragic story, and yes, I can remember what it feels like when two of my very best pupils lost their lives through no fault of their own. One, a stabbing on a London street trying to protect his car, and the other, a train crash.I have never really got over the tragedy of these events as those two boys were two of the best. There is nothing to be done- it is just fate, and I have to live with it. Have a very good holiday, and keep getting better. Getting old isn’t so bad ! Ian.

  2. GayFred37 says:

    Hello, TONY and the others ! Loose a son or a daughter, loose a brother or a sister, loose his dad or is mum (and grandparents), loose his husband or is wife, LOOSE HIS BOY FRIEND which you live with HIM since THIRTY years… IS THE SAME THING, THE SAME PAIN, boys !!!!!… My boy friend PHILIPPE is dead in May 2012, 25, two months before Kadian, due to an myocardial infarction !!! Now, my life is stop (or ” run slowly “…) since this BAD day. I understand the pain of his mum, but SHE DON’T understand the mine !!!

    LOVE YOUR BOY, TONY ! Very strong !!! This minute is perhaps the last one !!!

    I love your blog, but i have some difficulties to read it : I am french, and i read / write english with difficulties !

  3. Pingback: All Mapped Out | Tony Cavanagh

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