“Why Are You Gay?”

This question, from a guy at the head of a ‘nuclear family’ of dad, mum, 2.4 kids… I dismissed it as a stupid question. Then I thought about it again.

gay 1

I am gay because that is what I am. But what does it mean…?

A majority of guys are ‘straight’. They are attracted to women, and women to them. So why am I attracted to men, and one guy, and one group of guys, in particular?


The first book...How it worked for me is written here (click cover!). Let’s suppose that ‘guys’ are a herd… a pack. ‘Nature’ dictates that they should seek out females, and females seek them. OK… deal. Agree that. But do I fit into the ‘pack’? What do I need out of that relationship? Well, I need to be accepted by the pack – I need to be good enough to be ‘one of them’. In my case, as a gay guy, maybe that instinct, not to be an outcast from the pack, is stronger than the draw of females. So I need to be at least as good as they are – like when you were in school and captains picked their teams in sport, you don’t want to be the kid at the end that neither captain wants, do you? No, you want to be good enough to be ‘ranked’ alongside the others.


Not necessarily ‘better’, but definitely ‘equal’. Respected. wanted by the other guys. That’s better. Better working together to make that happen than striving to be better than anyone else in the pack. Like those two. Male bonding – down to the team shorts as well in their case.

So my personal ‘pack’ are going to be sporty guys. I want to enjoy that ‘pack’ behaviour – sights, sounds, smells… exercising alongside a sweaty guy gives me a little ‘thrill’ (even if he’s straight)… admiring the bodies of the others in a gym and hoping they’ll admire mine… and so the confidence builds. Am I good enough? Will any of these guys feel cool about putting his arm around my sweaty shoulders and saying ‘well done mate!’? Do they want me close to them? Because I want to be close to them as we work together on perfecting our skills…


…shirtless of course, enjoying the freedom and the sense of brotherhood…


…getting the measure of each other’s strengths (and weaknesses!), skills, and so on…


Breathing in the heady scent of male hormones at work, creating that ‘bonding’. I love the sensation of skin against skin, partner’s muscles straining, sweat mingling, in a tense but friendly tussle…


Of course, “we’re all boys here…” and maybe it isn’t long before the shorts come off and it is just man against naked man, enjoying every sensation that comes with such freedom to express yourself…


I’m not in a ‘nuclear’ family: two mums (lesbians), two dads (gays), two kids (desperately straight!) and another gay male couple (my partner Dave’s brother and Ivo) doesn’t sound exactly typical. But it works, and it works well.

Cover2 FullI have my very special love to thank for that. My ‘boy’, Dave. The night when, as 17 year olds, he sat behind my, massaging my shoulders and back and said, almost to himself, “Oh Tone, why did it take me so long to find you?” It brought tears to my eyes then, and still does now when I think of it. Poor Dave was a troubled soul at that time, and I believe that us finding each other as gay partners was key to him sorting himself out. He says so, anyway, and later, so did his parents. We didn’t go ‘the last mile’ (to put gay sex more discretely) for a while, until we ‘knew’ ourselves even better: then one night he just looked at me with those beautiful sad eyes and said “Tone… it’s time. I want you to…”

Some have said that Dave is the reason I’m gay. That’s silly, and I put it the other way around. I’m gay because I always was, and I found the perfect partner. The hours we spend like these two…


And, between us, we have gathered a small group around us of caring, loving gay friends. I’d say ‘gay acrobats’, because we all are in that business, but it would sound a bit silly. Within that group, we’ve sworn a deeper bond… to share our gay physical love safely within the group because we always keep it entirely within that group, and constantly re-test for STDs in order to prove it to each other.

Thanks to a correspondent for this unusual picture which somehow seems to sum up how our group works:


Actually, there aren’t enough legs, but its fun…

So there I am: Tone, analysed. Not “Why Am I Gay?” but “I am Gay”. It is ‘hard wired’ into me. It is about love, and close companionship, as well as being accepted for what I am and what I have achieved. It is not about being promiscuous and flaunting our sexuality in search of ‘free love’, nor clubbing in pursuit of orgies, not even ‘Gay Pride’ (which we don’t think always gives the right image to gay men… we’re not all out to (un)dress provocatively, certainly not into being ‘Queens’ or cross-dressing or anything else which others consider ‘sordid’)… no, it is about being in love in our natural way, with a life-raft of amazing gay friends around us. And that goes for the lesbian mums of our brilliant kids, too. Kids who are not ‘endangered’ – as a few have sometimes sought to suggest – by having gay dads.

Sorry, too many words in this post… it all just of kind of ‘came out’. Like we had to do! Let’s enjoy a few more pictures of companiable guys enjoying themselves:





Cover 3 FullOh, and by the way, there are three books. Things go a bit pear-shaped during a circus tour here…

…at which point I’ll just say thanks for sticking with this lengthy post to the end, and have sweet dreams tonight!





About tonycavanagh

Born Northampton UK; school Oxford UK and Oak Ridge Tennessee, where I met my wonderful partner Dave, also from UK. Oak Ridge is our main training base for acrobatics and circus stuff, but we also established a base in Wales (UK) to serve us when we are working in Europe. Our 'story', of finding gay love, learning the acrobatics trade and then of how we got shot at during our show (and worse was to follow - just to prove that the risks of being an acrobat are not always the most obvious ones!) are now available in my three books 'Loving the Boy', 'The Power of Love' and 'Against All Odds'. Links available on most blog posts. Actually, waiting for the imminent arrival of the first printed copies was far scarier than anything we do in performance. A fourth book - not about us but exploring the sadness of a gay Native American boy denied his true identity - is currently with an agent for evaluation. watch for 'Let The Future Find Me' in due time. And now to book five... another boy, another quest... seems its always boys...
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to “Why Are You Gay?”

  1. Pingback: The Skin Game | Tony Cavanagh

  2. Pingback: Lifestyle Choices: Counting the Ways | Tony Cavanagh

  3. um says:

    Are there more posts about you and Dave’s love… and dare I ask your first time?

    • tonycavanagh says:

      We were 17, and it is all in the books – which is your best source of stuff on our gay relationship and friends… some in the posts but these are mainly fitness-picture related, although very early ones say a little more. I suggest that you start with ‘Loving the Boy’ – the title says it all. Links to the books are up to date in recent posts, and you can find the -e-books on Amazon and Kindle.

  4. Pingback: Guys are a "pack"; gayness to fit in to the pack?

  5. Pingback: Have I Got It Wrong? | Tony Cavanagh

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.